23) RAIN AND RAINBOWS

"When the time is right, I, the Lord, will make it happen." Isaiah 60:22

Day 285 - Sept 12th at 4:39pm

Michelle from One Fit Widow wrote:

If you decide to love again I want you to know it can incredible. You know so much more, feel so much deeper, live with more intensity and love from a place not understood before loss. It's not the same, it's different, it's unique, it's scary and it's electric. Loving with eyes wide open, knowing the frail nature of our existence makes each moment that much more beautiful. If the right person comes along, take the chance, and enjoy the ride. Michelle ❤️

Day 288 - Sept 15th at 8:36am

I have had other widows tell me that my future will be judged by what other (non-widows) "think" is right for me. People can say all day long what they would or wouldn't do in widowhood because I have been guilty of the same..... before. But not now. I have felt so much empathy for those who choose to love a widow. It's got to be so challenging.... being compared to their deceased spouse, pressing through the sadness and heartache to really know who we are, when we don't even know ourselves, figuring out how you fit into family functions and an extra set of in-laws. But I can guarantee that those who can press through it will find a passionate love like you've never experienced before. ❤️

Day 290 - Sept 17th at 7:58am

Last night I dreamed that I found the beginning of a rainbow. It was actually a double rainbow and in my dream, I was driving down a road. It had been raining and foggy and I came upon the beginning of the rainbow... the place where it comes up from the ground. (Where we would expect to find the pot of gold.) I turned the car around and came back to that place so I could take a picture because I had never seen that before. The irony is that in Scripture the rainbow is a sign that God keeps his promises. Over the last week, I have seen His faithfulness in ways that would blow your mind. Over the last 9 months, people have told me to expect the worst with the court system. "Don't plan on him pleading guilty. Don't anticipate this and don't anticipate that," and then within days of each other, the Lord divinely showed His presence which has given me a peace I haven't felt since before Mike died. The relief of knowing my kids are taken care of and justice was served for Mike gave me a freedom I haven't felt inside in way too long. Thank you so much for your prayers. I couldn't have made it without you.... and I couldn't have made it without the Lord. 🌈 Gen 9:32 "I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth." 2 Timothy 2:13 "If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself."

Day 294 - Sept 21st at 10:23am

I heard a song this morning that made me think.... its the new track on Matthew West's album, "All In". They are playing his album on xm radio today but it isn't released until tomorrow. The song simply says "Don't let the beautiful things we love become the beautiful things we miss." I don't want to be a distracted mom who doesn't notice when one of my kids need a little extra attention. When they were babies they demanded attention, but now that they are bigger, they don't. I never want what I want for my life personally to distract me from taking time to notice a new video game, or a grade they worked hard for. Lord, don't let the beautiful things we love become the beautiful things we miss. ❤️

Day 297 - Sept 24th at 10:39am

This verse was in our Sunday School lesson this morning. I needed this reminder. 💜

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."

Hebrews 10:23

Day 300 - Sept 27th at 6:23am

I've always had friends.... lots and lots of friends. But I've never fully understood their importance and value in my life until Mike died. As wonderful as my family is, there's something magical that happens in friendship when you're at the lowest of lows..... there's no strings attached, no "because I have to's" .... just an honest, giving, 100% loving, "because I want to" friend. The Lord has placed you in my life to be the hands and feet of Jesus and I want you to know that you have not disappointed. Every text, call, gift, tear, hug, and laugh has been exactly what I needed to heal. I am thankful for our friendships..... ❤️ and I am thankful for you!

Day 314 - Oct 11th at 4:25pm

After seeing the hand orthopedic doctor today, he says Annabelle needs a hand surgery tomorrow to correct her broken pinky. 😞 She’s feeling better after asking a million questions and getting a new pair of PJ’s. The nurse who did her pre-op asked the question, “Has Annabelle had any significant life changes in the last year?” I started laughing and answered with, “There’s not much about her life that HASN’T changed in the last year.” Pray for her in the morning. She’s gone through so much in the last 10 months. ❤️

Day 315 - Oct 12th at 6:09pm

Grief is like living two lives. One is where you pretend like everything is alright and the other is where your heart silently screams in pain. - Author unknown

❤ 💔

Day 316 - Oct 13th at 7:27am

I often wonder if I will ever get to the place where there’s not this constant dull ache in my heart. It never goes away... although you function like a normal person and although you can smile and laugh, it’s still there. Just underneath the surface. Lurking. Waiting. Jumping on any opportunity to make its presence known. Some days he masks himself as Facebook memories, and other days as a jewelry advertisement at the fair where one band had “Ashley” inscribed and the picture right beside it said “Mike.” Some days it’s in Anna recalling what Daddy would have done if he were here after her surgery and other days it’s in the silent reminder that he is really never ever coming back. How long can I use Mike's death as an “excuse” to not function like I want? How many more tears can I possibly cry? One things for sure.... I definitely underestimated the power of grief’s grip & how tightly and how long it can it can hold you under. There’s no speeding it up or putting it out of your mind to forget. When you expect it, and even when you don’t, it’s still there. ❤️

Day 318 - Oct 15th at 9:20pm

I was giving Abi a hard time today and I playfully grabbed her hand and said, “To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish ‘til death do us part.” When I said that to her, for the first time it hit me that I really understood the ‘til death do us part section. We say it, vow ourselves to our spouse, without ever really realizing that death could come much sooner than 50 years down the road, like we envision in our love-filled hearts on the day we say, “I do.” I never thought Mike and I wouldn’t be together forever. I never thought I would be single again. I never wanted to be. But yet death has parted us and in 7 1/2 weeks it’ll be a whole year. In the beginning I couldn’t even see myself making it past the first week and here we are approaching a year. In my mind, he hasn’t aged at all. I guess he will always be 43 to me. Some days I just feel so lost... and empty. Like I’m looking for something that can’t be found. And other days I long for a new relationship, something to look forward to and lighten the sad, heavy days. But even my widow/widower friends say that new relationships help, but they don’t take the place of the hole in our hearts that never really heals. People always tell me, “Take your time. Heal.” But losing your spouse is a constant reminder of how much time we really don’t have. That’s not an excuse to be outside of the will of God, but it does place perspective on how we view things before you experience the loss of a spouse and after. So let me encourage you tonight to give your spouse a good, long, hold on just a little too long hug.... a little extra kiss, an extra “I love you and I appreciate you....” or maybe a note hidden in their car to remind them just how much you treasure them. Don’t take anything for granted.... because sometimes tomorrow never comes. ❤️

Day 320 - Oct 17th at 8:14am

"Teach us to realize the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom." Psalm 90:12

⏳❤️🕰🍃⏱

Day 321 - Oct 18th at 8:29am

Some days I just have no words to adequately depict what’s in my heart. 💔

Day 328 - Oct 25th at 7:08pm

I’ve always had a wonderful relationship with my mom but I’ve never needed her more than in the last 11 months. She’s my “go-to” girl for advice, hugs, baby sitting, taxi driving, house moving and the list goes on and on. Just having her near makes me feel like I can do it, even on days that I don’t think I can. So, Mom, I wish you a Happy Birthday, even though I know there have been happier ones in your life. Please know how thankful I am to have you as my mom. There is none better than you. Happy Birthday with love, Ashley ❤️

Day 329 - Oct 26th at 8:24am

Life has such a way of twisting our plans. Three years ago, I never thought that I would eventually be worshipping at my home church each week. There is such a comfort that comes from sitting on the same pew as your mom, dad, brother and sister in law, niece and kids...... leading worship, as needed, with your uncle playing bass, & passing your aunt in the hall and getting a big hug. I definitely don’t take it for granted. It’s never how I thought things would turn out for me and my family, but it’s a pretty little flower that has grown from the ashes of the last year. 🌸

11:30pm

Annabelle (age 8) wrote this in her journal at school:

"If I could travel anywhere, I would go back to see my dad and spend time with him. I would go on a Disney cruise with him. I would spend a lot of time with him by going swimming and I would go on the Aqua Duck."

Maybe someday I can read the innocent things of her heart and it not break mine for the life she is missing at the hands of alcohol.

Day 331 - Oct 29th at 11:11am

This verse really spoke to me this morning.... 🌷

"When the time is right, I, the Lord, will make it happen." Isaiah 60:22